Super-Secret, Triple-Effective Tips to Guarantee a Band 9 IELTS Score!

These are absolutely proven tips and tricks!

Reading:

•  For fill in the blank type questions, if you can't find a word that fits, use a word that rhymes with the previous answer. They might give you credit for being poetic.
•  For T/F/NG and Y/N/NG type questions, don't be boring and just answer "true" or "false". Show off your vocabulary by using qualifiers, synonyms and idiomatic expressions.
  
  • TRUE: Absolutely true, undeniable, a matter of record, 100% accurate, indubitable, unequivocal, that's a fact Jack
  • FALSE: Bogus, undeniable wrong, antithetical
  • NOT GIVEN: conspicuously absent, ain't there, of the void     

Listening: 

• If you think you've missed an answer during the listening test, don't be shy. Just interrupt the test and shout as loud as you can, "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T CATCH THAT. COULD YOU REPLAY THAT PART PLEASE!" This works every time.

• If you're have to make wild guesses on multiple choice questions, make your feelings about the test known by using the options to spell out the word "B-A-D" 

Speaking:

• Get to know the examiner by asking lots of personal questions. Ask them out for drinks after the test. Find out if they're single, and if so, tell them you've got a really attractive friend/cousin who you'd like to introduce them to. 
• Make reference to the TV show "The Simpsons" as much as possible and use expressions from the show in the characters' voices. Absodutelydiddlydoo! HA-ha!
• If you need to buy time to think about your answer, don't use those boring expressions like "That's an interesting question" or "Let me think about that". The examiners have heard these thousands of times. Instead, try ones like, "That's a really stupid question. How am I supposed to answer that?" or "Where do you get these ridiculous questions? Are you sure that's what is written down on your card? Let me see."

Writing: 

•   In Task 1, look for details that no one else would think to include. This will set you apart as being creative. Use lengths and shapes to help with this. Examples:
  
  • The pie-chart is circular in shape
  • The line ends the period about 8 cms above the horizontal axis and about 7 cms to the right of the vertical.
  • The percentages for Yemen are a illustrated with a darker shade than that for Italy. 
• In task 2, if you can't think of ideas, you can always refer back to aliens from outer space. As they're so little known, you can use them as topics for entire paragraphs. Some example topic sentences:
  
  • The first advantage is the fact that this is what our alien overlords from Planet Niblos want us to do (just make it up!).
  • One possible solution is for space aliens to finally make first contact, thus eliminating all the petty problems faced on Earth.
  
  
  So there we have it, folks! Guaranteed to get you a Band 9!
  
  
  And Lastly...
  
  

  Have an auspicious Fourth Month Commencement Deception Day!
  
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