Writing a Lot and Saying Little: The Problem of High-level English Candidates.

The Task 2 guidance I’d like to provide tonight is about the danger of writing too much while actually saying very little.

Helping in the discussion of this point is the essay of Ruywadah MS. I don’t know the person. I can’t recall ever reading any of his previous submissions either, but from the overall language she uses, the frustration he expresses and
most tellingly, the style of writing she chooses, I can make a fair guess about his profile as a candidate. 

English was probably all around him growing up. I'm guessing that in his home country, English is an official languge, and was the language of instruction as an undergrad. She reads and listens at an NES level. However, she needs a 7+ in each IELTS skill and gets results like this:  9/8.5/7.5/6… What’s going wrong here?
  
Does this sound familiar? The description fits half the people on the Facebook tips and tricks forum, and if you’ve read this far, you’re probably one of them. You KNOW your level of English is proficient enough to get the score you deserve.

This kind of student visits all the various IELTS websites. They memorize outlines to use for each of the different types of Task 2 essays. They know they need to use cohesive devices, examples and a variety of complex sentences. They’re diligent about not repeating vocabulary and substitution comes naturally. As you’ll read in Ru’s essay, he does all of these things.

As I see it, she’s got two problems. The first is her level of English.

I know I just said her English is very good, but that’s where the problem is. She attacks this essay with every complex structure she can get through her pen. We find conditionals, “not only…but also”, passive voice, a variety of tenses and sophisticated collocation throughout. What’s happening though is that her own strength is getting in the way of doing everything that needs to be done to get a high band in each criteria.

Let’s look now at the two parts of his essay that show this clearly: the two body paragraphs,
_____________________________________________________
Question:  Some people parents think that childcare centres provide the best services for children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grand-parents will be better carers for their kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
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Body paragraph 1:  (underlining is mine)

On the one hand, schools designed for children who range from two to five years of age, are quite efficient. Once working parents drop their offspring to pre-school, they can ensure that not only is the child in safe hands, but is also developing his or her intellectual abilities through the educational activities organised by the institute. Indeed, there have been recorded instances of kids being well-taken care of, including their food intake and safety in Australia as per UNESCO. In short, it is clear that most responsible parties can focus on the provision of the best childhood and education for their child by earning in the working world while leaving what is most precious to them at a children’s school.

BP2:

However, not every parent approves of childcare organizations, despite the convenience they offer and therefore, resort to placing their trust in their close ones. Although teachers are specialised in their domain of caring for younger people, are they best-suited to prepare them for this tough world? One could argue not. For instance, it is the elderly people who possess nuanced information as to what is necessary for a child to ‘make it’ in society; manners and the way to behave are not something that is taught, but are values that ought to be instilled. Alternatively, it goes without saying that grand-parents are the best role models in today’s fast-paced world from whom the child at hand can learn a lot.

So how do these two paragraphs show how a high English level can be a detriment? There’s two ways. First is in Task Response. Here’s what the essay needs show for a TR 7 or 8.

Band 7	Band 8
·        addresses all parts of the task ƒ ·        presents a clear position throughout the response ƒ ·         presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus	·         sufficiently addresses all parts of the task ƒ ·         presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

In BP1, there’s only one main idea. That’s a good number to choose. The writer should be able to do what’s asked: extend and support that idea in the confines of a 3 or 4 sentence paragraph. There’s plenty of space to do so. What’s our main idea as presented in the topic sentence:

On the one hand, schools designed for children who range from two to five years of age, are quite efficient.

Hmmm… looking back at the question, are we talking about schools? I thought it was childcare centres. In her desire to show off her paraphrasing skills, the writer has replaced two words with 13 and strayed from the topic. Well, at least she’s stated our main idea: efficiency. Let’s check the support.

Once working parents drop their offspring to pre-school, they can ensure that not only is the child in safe hands, but is also developing his or her intellectual abilities through the educational activities organised by the institute

Does this really long sentence support daycare as being efficient? No. It doesn’t. Maybe the writer meant to say that pre-schools are effective (at providing care). Effective/efficient. They sound similar. Worse though is the wordiness of this sentence. 37 words for a simple idea. NOTE: this is not extending an idea. It’s a lot of writing, but what it says could be written in far fewer words.
“When parents drop off their children at daycare, they are assured the child is in a safe and stimulating environment”

But won’t losing all those structures effect GR? No. The grammar throughout the essay is excellent. It doesn’t need extra fluffing up with “not only, but also”. There are also lexical issues here. “Offspring” is used for animals or in a scientific context. Pre-school may be  “school” but it certainly isn’t an institute. 

Point being, the writer is quickly running out of space to support this point. Maybe the example with fix that.

Indeed, there have been recorded instances of kids being well-taken care of, including their food intake and safety in Australia as per UNESCO.

Oh my. Here’s where a big vocabulary backfires. “Recorded instances”… is used to describe UFO sightings or ancient texts…Very rare events.. Kids is too informal… “food intake”…I had a lovely food intake at that new restaurant lst night! Why only Australia? Did you mean UNICEF?  One more chance to support the topic in the final sentence.

In short, it is clear that most responsible parties can focus on the provision of the best childhood and education for their child by earning in the working world while leaving what is most precious to them at a children’s school

It is clear? Not from where I’m sitting.
Most responsible parties… Is that THE most responsible parties (forgotten article) or is it most as in a majority? Who is focusing? Childhood AND education… earning in the working world.. you mean work?…. What is most precious to them…ack…too confusing.

The incorrect thought you have that you need to insert all these lexical items obfuscates the whole paragraph, although I think (maybe) we’re getting back to efficiency.

Here’s that same BP re-written, using the same ideas, but much more succinctly, thus allowing for further extension and relevant examples.

Those who argue in favor of daycare would point to its effectiveness in both basic care and education. When parents drop off their children at daycare, they are assured the child is in a safe and stimulating environment. Today’s childcare specialists are no mere babysitters. They often have professional qualifications in their field. For example, in Australia, to be licensed for employment, pre-school and daycare workers must pass a vigorous and extensive training process. In short, while parents are earning a living, their children are safely beginning their education.   

I’m not spending another 3 pages on Bp2. Suffice to say that it’s rather vague and non-specific. When you need to put quotes on a key term (“make it”), it’s not a strong argument… the side your against is better supported…

So, to improve:

• Cut down your verbosity, your wordiness. Use tighter sentences that will give you more opportunity to actually support your points. 
•  You can’t overcome your frustration by trying harder to use more advanced vocabulary. That’s not what LR is about. It’s about using appropriate vocab to express precise meaning. Coming close isn’t going to work.